April 12, 2023
Yesterday, my surgeon called me with pathology reports for the tissue they removed during my surgery. Radiation and chemo worked very well, there was a bit of cancer left, but the margins are clear and he confirmed…. I am cancer free! The weird thing is, I don’t feel how I expected I would feel. I didn’t cry with joy, I didn’t dance in delight. I smiled and simply soaked in the sunshine of a rare 75 degree day in April on my balcony.
This morning I am calm. I feel physically stronger than yesterday. Today is about new beginnings. I am sipping a bit of fresh pressed mango and orange juice. I also feel distracted and not sure where to focus my thoughts. I am reminiscing quite a bit so I have decided to share the first thing I wrote after the first day I found out I had cancer. A bit of context first.
Exactly five days after my colonoscopy, David and I were supposed to travel to Philadelphia for his younger brother’s wedding. I had taken the time off from work months before, had bought a dress, had made arrangements. The weird thing was, deep down, I knew I wouldn’t be wearing that dress. My inner voice is one that I used to ignore, but now I cherish her and always take her under advisement. And oddly enough, the universe knew I would need those days off. While our respective workplaces and friends thought we were out of town we were actually spending long days at Northwestern Memorial Hospital.
It’s also important to note that for me, the business of a cancer diagnosis numbed me to the emotional response that was sitting just below the surface. Making appointments and talking with doctors and those first few visits felt like a job. And they felt like something I could control, like I could exert a power over what was happening. It was always very important to me to have my list of tasks to complete, checking each one off, feeling like I was making progress to eradicate this disease from my body.
There were also moments that came that made me feel completely out of control, that tested my sanity, that led me to crying hysterically in the bathtub, and all of those moments were completely necessary too. But I balanced those against the things I could control and I kept my mindset on a positive outcome.
7.29.22
I have known I have cancer for 24 hours. Somehow the world seemed more vibrant today. The blue of the sky, the various hues of green in my garden. The interactions I had with people. Having the hard conversation with family but not mentioning it to colleagues or clients.
Technically, the doctors have not labeled my “likely malignant tumor” as cancer yet. There are formal steps to go through. I had formal steps today too. Schedule CT, schedule surgery, cancel plane tickets, cancel hotel, cancel animal sitter, ace mid-year review, get the order, inventory… check, check, check. Order feels good.
Passion, purpose, place. Wasn’t I supposed to have those figured out before shit like this happens? Was shit like this supposed to happen at 41? For no apparent reason?
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